you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
True strength comes from lack of pants
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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