i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
