God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
