Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
