I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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