I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
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Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
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I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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