so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
how drunk are you?
Several
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
