remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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