Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
