I accidentally burped into my bong.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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