I haven't been this sober since birth.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
i think im in europe. pls send help
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
