how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
