when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
