when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
