Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
