by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
