I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
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