he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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