My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
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New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
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Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.