The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
