someone get that fucking seahorse.
there's paper in my vomit.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
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...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Did we literally take a cab across the street
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
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He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.