I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
