woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
i believe in u and ur pee
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
