I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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