Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i already hear my dad disowning me
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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