Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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