Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
