everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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