I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
