my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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