my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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