yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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