His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
she smelled like a LAN party
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
