he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Randomize
