She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
