One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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