I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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