thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
