"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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