Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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