fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
