You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
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I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
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All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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