my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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