Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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