3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
