K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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