I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
