Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
