I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
