I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
