Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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