We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
