I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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