he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
