I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
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Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
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We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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