He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
