Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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