We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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